Too much pain

Too much pain.

Too much betrayal I've never really acknowledged, coped with, or let go of...

My thesis is about relationships- how they are a key factor in self-perception and identity - but I have to dig through and comprehend how so many relationships have failed me in my life before I can try to speak honestly about the archetypal relationships in my thesis.

A life lead in isolation cannot be seen as a full and fulfilling life. Basic human nature drives us to seek companions and community. We strive to find our match, our mate, our tribe, our family. Instinct demands we join with others because there is safety in numbers. We are taught by actions and words how harsh life can be without relationships there to guide, build, and shield us from harm.

But what happens when the harm comes from within the safe confines of those relationships? What happens when the tribe banishes you? What safety is there when you are shown not to trust those who offer sanctuary? Where is the balance and equilibrium?

There isn’t any. A person becomes raw and feral. Driven back farther than instinct’s limits. The soul is broken in a way that does not seem repairable.

Survival - Needs vs. Wants - become the base of every choice and action.

Water?

Food?

Shelter?

Safety?

Injury and Illness free?

In that order.

If those basic things are not met then a person cannot honestly attempt to be anything other than their feral form.

Once those necessities are secured and consistent a person can begin the struggle to climb out of the abyss that mental landscape threw them into:

Betrayal.

Physical Harm.

Rejection.

Deceit.

Broken Promises.

Manipulation.

I’m trying to climb out now.

6.26.2017